reality check

This was the picture that did it. 

Andy had taken Wyatt to soccer tonight and I had the two buckaroos at home with me. Boone wanted to help "read" to Josie...his favorite book when he was her age...now a favorite of hers...Goodnight Gorilla. 

And then after this we rocked Josie and Boone sang a sweet song that he made up. Really...it was so sweet. And I was sitting there thinking how wild Boone is...but how nurturing he is...and how he loves to care for his family. 

I was thinking...I can't wait to see what Boone is going to do when he grows up. And it hit me. Smack in the face like a ton of bricks. My Dad will never see Boone grow up. He will never see any of them grow up. He won't see me be a Mom to growing kids or teenagers or adults. He's gone.

My kids can drive me ca-razy! But wow, do I have some really tender-hearted, sweet kids and I am so thankful God chose us to be their parents. I'm just sad. Just sad I don't get to share their funny stories. Or the picture Wyatt drew of a frog and labeled. Or Josie saying new "little sentences". 

Sad that I've had a couple dreams about my Dad and then I wake up only for reality to awaken and remind me that he is gone. 

I have had really good days. Sweet days with Andy and my kids. More closeness than ever with my brothers and sister. Days that I have watched my Mom become a stronger woman, not just on the outside, but watching her heart grow stronger in the Lord. 

O Lord, I know Your grace is sufficient for me. Please, please help me believe it in my heart.